if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
