Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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