i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
