Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
