There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
