the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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