I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
