Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
