Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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