you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
