I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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