Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
