How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
