My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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