I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
