you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
