OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
