Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
