oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
