It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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