Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
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