I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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