Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
