its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
