i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
