Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
