Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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