Four minutes until I can fart!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
