dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize