I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
