I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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