So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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