Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
