just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
