omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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