My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
