Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
