dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
