Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
