Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
