If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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