I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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