did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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