I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize