My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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