Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
