Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize