if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
