Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
