I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
