girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize