Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
