my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
