shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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