i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Found the puke drawer
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
