I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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