My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
