She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
