Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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