I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
