Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
All I want is dick and wine.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
