I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
