please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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