you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
dude. I can hear the air.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
