Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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