there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
