I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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