I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
